


Saturation

by Auggusst



Series: The Soldier And The Scientist [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre Relationship, Supportive Steve Rogers, Swimming, Swimming Pools, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has Issues, Trauma, Trust, steve helps tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25186582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auggusst/pseuds/Auggusst
Summary: As promised, Steve does his best to make Tony comfortable being in the pool with another person again. It won't all be fixed in one day, but they make significant progress, and end the session feeling that much closer to each other. Now if only one of them could admit their feelings.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: The Soldier And The Scientist [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/468745
Comments: 18
Kudos: 148





	Saturation

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to write this for a year, ever since I did 'In Deep,' which I actually edited a bit yesterday so go take another look at that before reading this 👀 Hope you enjoy!

“I don’t like this,” Tony said, crossing his arms. Well, more like curling them around himself, actually.

“It’ll be fine,” Steve replied, setting a hand on his shoulder, steering him slowly towards the pool.

“I don’t know why I agreed to this,” Tony sighed, frowning. He eyed the water hesitantly. It was a lovely pool, one he was familiar with, and enjoyed using himself, but never with _other people_.

After the disaster a few weeks ago when Thor tossed him into the pool and his aversion to swimming in groups came out, Steve had offered to help Tony get over his fears, help him feel comfortable in the water with other people again. Tony, of course, agreed, because he did sort of have to get over it eventually, it’d been years since Afghanistan after all, and also, it meant he’d be spending time with Steve _alone_ , which he loved doing, because he was desperately in love with him.

Tony would never admit that out loud, though.

Nothing would come of it, anyway. There was no way Steve would be interested in someone like him, someone with too many flaws to count, who he argued with just as much as he laughed with. Steve was gorgeous, and young, and strong and kind, and Tony was getting up there in age(he refused to say _old_ , because he was in damn good shape, thank you very much, and was a superhero after all) and had scars and a body count too high to be considered respectable, and his personality was so abrasive, and he just. He wasn’t _good_ for someone like Steve.

He could dream, though, could pretend that Steve would ever give him the time of day. He dreamt about it a lot, pretended, fantasized, like a goddamn school girl. Rhodey and Pep knew about his feelings, about his crush, but they didn’t know just how _deep_ those feelings ran, how much they chewed Tony up inside, made his heart ache on occasion. It was a secret he was sure he’d carry to the grave. Of course he’d thought that about his fear of swimming with others too, had intended to keep it to himself forever.

Whatever. He was here now, with Steve, and there wasn’t any backing out of the deal, unfortunately.

It was a nice day, all things considered. The sky was bright and blue, with only a few clouds here and there, and it was a nice 82. He put on plenty of sunscreen(may have taken longer than strictly necessary to do so, because he was trying to delay the inevitable) and tried to keep himself from metaphorically drooling as he watched Steve do the same, rub the cream into his generous muscles, up and down the planes of his abs and shoulders and back, and _goddamn_ , it was unfair, that he looked like that, that he was so gorgeous, and Tony didn’t know whether to thank or curse his father sometimes.

He cursed _himself_ now, for agreeing to do this, when the steps of the pool came in range. Steve’s guiding hand left his shoulder, and Tony’s eyes flit between the pool and his teammate anxiously.

“What now?” Tony asked.

“Get in the pool,” Steve replied, as if it were obvious. To be fair, it kind of was, but Tony’s heart was already beating a little faster, his subconscious preparing to wail on the warning bell, so it was kind of hard to put the dots together himself.

Tony looked at the steps, and then at Steve again. “You…you’re not gonna—?”

“I want you in the pool first. Take some time, get comfortable in the water, and swim around. When I think you’re ready, I’ll get in the water too,” Steve explained.

Tony could admit it was a good idea. It would let him control the environment, let him claim his space, and then gradually be introduced to a new element, that element being Steve. He wasn’t sure how easy it would all be in practice, or how effective, but in theory it was sound.

“Okay,” he said, nodding a little. He tried to unfold his arms from around him. “Okay,” he repeated, mostly to himself, trying to find the courage to take a step.

“I’ll wait over here,” Steve said at his side, and gestured towards the lounge chairs in the shade.

“Okay,” Tony replied. It seemed to be the only word he knew at the moment.

Steve offered him a little smile at that, his blue eyes warm and encouraging, and Tony finally managed to drop his arms slowly from where they’d been shielding his chest. Steve walked across the deck and settled on a lounge chair, and Tony was left alone with the pool.

He stared at the steps, at the water gently lapping against the walls of the structure, rippling a little thanks to the wind. They always got a good breeze this far up. The water did look inviting, all things considered. It usually did. Tony just had to trick himself into thinking it was still inviting with another person in it. After what felt like forever, he took a deep breath, and reached out for the railing, took a step into the water. He was torn between looking back at Steve, watching him to make sure he wouldn’t do anything (He wouldn’t, would he? Steve was trustworthy, wasn’t a prankster, and had no ill intentions. He wouldn’t hurt Tony.) and looking forward at the water, feeling comfortable in it like when there was no one else around.

He couldn’t stand there forever, so he took a step forward and down, into the water.

All things considered, it didn’t take him that long to get in the water completely. He was up to his chest before he knew it, a little past the middle of the pool. Tony looked to see what Steve was doing then, but he seemed to be minding his own business, more or less, reading the newspaper he’d brought out here with him. Steve wasn’t averse to using tablets or computers, but there was something comforting in reading an actual newspaper sometimes, he’d said, so Tony made sure the Tower had one delivered every day.

Seeing that the blond’s attention was occupied, Tony felt a little more at ease. He took a second, and finally submerged himself, let his legs drop out from under him, and let the cool water wash over his face, his hair. The low rush of water in his ears, when he _chose_ to be in it, like now, was soothing, and he felt a surge of contentment flow through him like every time he swam. He took a few seconds, and surfaced, brushed a hand over his face and let out a sigh.

When he could see that Steve was truly leaving him to his devices, he started swimming around a bit, enjoying the water. It was easier than he anticipated, to forget what they were actually doing today, to let his brain go empty and calm. He found himself floating on his back after a while, taking a deep breath and letting the water carry him around the pool.

Steve gave him ample amount of time, and then found it fit to move forward with the plan. “Hey Tony?” he called from his seat.

His voice was muffled by the water, but Tony heard it anyway. He stood, let the water drain from his ears. “Yeah?" he replied.

“I’m gonna come in now, okay?”

Was it okay? The frightened little animal in the back of his mind said ‘no,’ but they were trying to silence that animal once and for all. Tony found himself wringing his hands under the water, somewhat anxiously, but nodded. “Okay. Okay just, lemme…”

He got himself to the deep end, by one of the walls instead of out in the middle. The more distance initially between him and Steve in the pool, the better.

Steve stood from his seat. “You ready?” he asked, stretching out a little.

Tony let out a nervous little laugh. “Not at all,” he admitted. “But you can come in anyway.”

Steve offered him a little smile. “I promise, it won’t be as bad as your brain is making you think it is.”

“I know,” Tony replied. “I know. It’s just…it’s scary.”

“It is,” the soldier agreed. “And I’m glad you’re trusting me with this. I really appreciate it.”

That made Tony’s heart flutter. He had to look away, couldn’t stand another second of looking at Steve, all tan skin and beautiful lines, his face soft and as earnest as his voice. The sun made his hair that much brighter, a beautiful golden blonde, and honestly? If anyone were to drown Tony, he would hope it was Steve. At least the view would be nice before he died.

“I should be thanking you,” Tony replied. “For even offering to try this. I…I don’t know how I’ll react, or if it’ll work but…I’m glad.”

“Have a little confidence in yourself,” Steve said, standing at the edge of the stairs now. “You’re stronger than you think.”

Well. If Steve said it so sweetly, Tony wasn’t going to argue with him now. Compliments between them were kind of rare, and each one left Tony feeling breathless, head over heels all over again. This one was no exception, made something pleasant uncurl in his core, took away his words. He really had it bad. Steve was waiting silently now though, looking at him for permission, and it snapped Tony back to attention.

“Ready?” the blond asked.

“Ready,” Tony replied.

“Just keep swimming. Just relax and act normal,” Steve said calmly as he took slow steps into the water.

Tony tried to do just that. His hands were clenched into fists, and his throat was a little tight, but he tried to ignore it, tried to get himself to swim around the deep end. He found himself staying by the wall though, in case he had to haul himself up over the side, in case it became too much. That annoying little voice in his head told him he was a fool for even agreeing to this, that it was all a trick, a trap that he’d walked into, but Tony knew listening to it would be no good. He simply had to trust.

And he did trust Steve, didn’t he? He trusted him more than anyone in the Tower, honestly. They argued and fought and sometimes couldn’t stand to be next to each other, but Steve was kind and caring, had always been there for Tony on the battlefield or in a tough situation. He’d been there, in spirit, throughout Tony’s whole life, in childhood stories, posters or memorabilia. Steve had been his hero growing up, and he kind of still was now. If he could stand to be in a pool with another person, it would certainly be Steve.

“You doing alright?” Steve asked when he was in the water up to his chest.

“Uh—Yeah,” Tony settled on, but kept his distance.

“Okay. Just making sure,” Steve replied, and started swimming.

He stayed at his side of the pool for a little while longer, made sure he stayed in Tony’s sight but far out of his reach, and eventually Tony found himself able to unclench his fists, found himself a little more at ease seeing Steve in the pool. The blond was swimming on his back now, gliding gracefully through the water. Steve was graceful in almost any situation, Tony thought, unless he was truly out of sorts, like the time he slipped on a puddle on his way out the door because he was carrying a bunch of boxes and couldn’t see where he was going. _That_ had been kind of hilarious. But right now, Steve was just graceful, at ease, and Tony couldn’t help but watch him as he drifted back and forth in the deep end, practically hugging the wall.

The silence wasn’t entirely uncomfortable, but Steve sort of worried that it would allow Tony to get too deep in his head, make him focus on his anxiety. “The weather’s so nice today,” he commented, switching to his front again. He paused his swimming to look out over the edge of the deck, take in the skyline.

“We really gonna talk about the weather?” Tony said with a scoff, and a petulant frown.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Well, what do you wanna talk about?”

“…Integrated circuits,” Tony settled on, though he wasn’t sure why.

“My knowledge is a little limited on that topic,” Steve replied, standing in the pool again. He dunked his head under water, and surged back up, shook away the water droplets that threatened to run down his face. The action reminded Tony of a great big golden retriever.

“My knowledge is extensive, so let’s split the difference,” Tony said.

“Alright. Tell me about them,” Steve suggested.

Tony did just that. He started with the base facts, standing up to his neck in the deep end, watching the distorted image of his hands under the water, the surface rippling in the breeze. Steve seemed to be keeping up, asked questions here and there, so Tony kept talking, moving into the possible applications of circuits, the uses throughout the years, and the ways he used them today. The low-simmering anxiety in his chest let up a little as he dove deeper into the topic, sufficiently distracted. He didn’t even notice that he was actually drifting closer to Steve in the middle of the pool until there were less than 10ft between them. His voice dropped off then, and he froze, and Steve’s face held a little amusement, but no malice.

“Fancy running into you here,” Steve joked, trying to keep Tony at ease.

“Real funny,” Tony replied, and let out a breath. He looked left and right, thought about backing up again, but he was here to make progress. He stiffened up instead, like he was glued to the spot.

“Are you okay?” Steve asked again.

Tony hesitated.

“I can back up if you need me to,” the blond said. “We’ve got a lot of time to work up to it.”

“No,” Tony replied. “No I’ll…I’ll be fine. Just…let’s just stay like this for a bit. Then I think—I think I can manage a little more,” he replied, though couldn’t deny he was feeling a little dizzy. Was it just the flow of the water or was he swaying on the spot?

“We don’t have to do this all at once,” Steve reminded him. “It could take a couple of days.”

“I don’t _want_ it to take a couple of days,” Tony huffed, shaking his head. “I…I’ve been dealing with this shit for so long. I just want it to be over. I’m sick of feeling like I’m dying every time someone gets near me. I’m sick of sitting out in the fucking heat watching everyone else have fun in the pool. I just wanna feel normal again,” he said, and frowned down at the water.

Steve took a second to respond. He could understand Tony’s frustration. “You know, it’s not that easy for me either,” he admitted. “Sometimes…sometimes I think about the crash, about sinking into the Atlantic. When the water’s too cold, I—I lock up, I get scared. I get stuck right back in that moment, and it feels like I’ll never get back out.”

Tony regarded him silently for a moment, saw the sincerity in his eyes. He hadn’t known that it affected Steve like that. He knew the soldier had nightmares sometimes, and pretty much everyone on the team did, but he didn’t know that Steve was more or less suffering the same issues Tony was. Maybe they were more similar than they thought.

“How do you keep a lid on it?” Tony asked. “How do you— _deal_?”

“I just power through it,” Steve replied with a shrug. “I just try to remind myself that it’s in the past, that it can’t hurt me anymore.”

The brunet considered that. “That makes two of us, I guess,” he said softly.

Steve nodded.

Tony took a deep breath. “I…let’s keep going,” he said. “Come a little closer.”

“How close?” Steve asked.

Tony thought it over, bit his lip. ‘ _Be brave,_ ’ he told himself. _‘You’re gonna be fine.’_

“Arm’s length.”

Steve nodded in understanding. He gave Tony a second to settle himself, and slowly, casually moved towards him. Tony did his best to remain calm. He went back to clenching his fists, squeezing and unsqueezing them, certainly leaving red little crescent marks in his palms. Steve noticed how his face started to pinch up, obviously nervous, and eased off a little. He was about halfway there now.

“Why don’t you teach me about something else?” he suggested. “Or I could tell you something.”

“Tell—tell me something,” Tony replied, kind of breathlessly. A distraction would surely help him.

So Steve started talking. He talked about what he knew: art. He listed the base colors used in oil painting, talked about how the masters in the Renaissance would acquire their materials, the different oils they used in their works. He talked about how to stretch a canvas, and the different kinds of paper he used to sketch on. He ran through the different levels of lead in pencils, said he preferred a 2B, because it wasn’t too hard and wasn’t too soft. He took his time talking about it, moving a little closer as he did.

Tony tried to stay calm, listened to his voice, took in the way his eyes lit up while he talked about it all, how calm and happy he seemed. Steve looked so gorgeous like this, and it was just the two of them here, and even though Tony’s instincts were telling him to be terrified, they kind of got trampled on by his heart, by his emotions. God, he loved Steve. He really did.

Before he knew it, Steve really was an arm’s length away, like Tony had told him to be.

Tony could feel the fear creeping into him again now, settling deep in his core. An arm’s length was a lot closer than he remembered, or maybe it just felt like it. Arm’s length was close enough to see the light of the sun reflecting in Steve’s eyes, turning the blue a little more green. Arm’s length was close enough to see the water droplets running down his chest, his arms. Arm’s length was close enough to reach out, to touch, and to turn into a lot more. It was overwhelming, for more than one reason, and Tony didn’t know how to take it. His breathing got a little quicker, and he could feel his legs trembling, and he let out a nervous little laugh before he could stop himself.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Steve replied softly. “Need me to back up?”

“N-no,” Tony replied. “No I just…” he squeezed his eyes shut, tried to get his lungs under control. They felt so _tight_.

Steve stood silently, waiting. He waited for Tony to send him away, to panic like he had a few weeks ago, and for this experiment to end. He really hoped it wouldn’t, though. He couldn’t deny he was enjoying this, being alone, out here, with Tony. It felt like they were so rarely alone. He loved that Tony was trusting him with this, that they could speak honestly, just the two of them. They’d come such a long way since they met, and every day Steve hoped they would go further. He loved Tony. He loved almost everything about him. He wanted him, really bad, emotionally and _physically_ , and although he wished it was in better circumstances, he liked being in the pool with him like this.

Tony was starting to freak out again though, and Steve didn’t want that happening. Now that he knew Tony suffered like this, knew that anxiety was the reason the scientist locked himself in his lab for hours on end, dove into work until he dropped, Steve wanted nothing more than to make him feel better, to have the chance to take care of him. The brunet’s eyes were wide and fearful now, and it made Steve’s heart clench a little.

Tony didn’t seem to have anything else to say for the moment, so Steve licked his lips and spoke instead. “We can call it off,” he offered again. “You did really well so far. It’s okay to leave it for another time.”

The brunet shook his head, frustrated. He didn’t want it to end. He wanted to power through this, wanted to be able to touch another person without falling apart. He—he wanted to touch _Steve_ , wanted to find comfort in his touch, wanted to feel safe here, together. He knew it was safe, logically, but logic didn’t always trump instinct, didn’t negate trauma. God, Tony hated it. He hated that he was like this.

“I just…” he said, voice wavering a little. “I’m sorry. My body’s not cooperating.”

Steve understood that well enough. They were at a stalemate though, and it wasn’t helping anything. He didn’t know if Tony would be willing to take the next step or not, but he had to ask. “Can I touch you?” he asked.

Tony didn’t know how to answer that. He wanted to say yes. He wished it were all as easy as saying yes. Being next to someone in the pool was one thing, but being _touched_? Was it okay? Was it _safe_? He wasn’t sure. Tony was scared of it, and his heart thundered a little faster at the mere suggestion. He didn’t think he could do it. But then again, he didn’t think he’d ever make it this far. Maybe it would be okay. It had to be okay.

“Uh…okay, I—if I say let go, you have to let go,” Tony replied. “I fucking mean it, Steve. I—I can’t be restrained, I-I’ll—“

“I won’t restrain you,” Steve replied instantly. “I’d never restrain you. I just want you to feel me, and let me feel you.” The intention was pure, but the words made something jump in his chest, and, if he were honest with himself, something a little further down. Steve could feel his cheeks heat up a little, hoped his face wasn’t turning red.

Tony swallowed hard, thinking on similar veins. _‘I’d love to touch you,’_ he thought to himself. _‘All night long, in my fucking bed.’_ But that wasn’t what Steve meant, and he knew it. He had to take what he was offered, though. Maybe this would be okay. Maybe he could do it. He had to be sure.

“You promise?” he asked. “Promise me you won’t try to do anything.”

“I promise,” Steve replied earnestly.

Tony believed him.

He took a deep, shaky breath, closed his eyes for a moment. “Okay. Okay, you can—you can come closer,” he said.

Steve hesitated a for a second too, now. He knew what a big moment this was, knew that it could end badly. He didn’t want to hurt Tony, in any way. He felt his own heart jump in his chest now, but took slow steps forward, reached out, and gently put a hand on Tony’s shoulder.

Tony flinched under his touch, but just for a second. He let out a breath, looked up at Steve, eyes wide.

“You’re okay,” Steve said. “See? You’re fine. Here, hold on to me,” he suggested, lifting his free hand a little out of the water.

Tony licked his lips, hands shaking, and put a hand on Steve’s forearm. He tried not to grasp it too tightly, but it was hard to keep himself in check. His chest was tight, and he desperately tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the instinct to draw back and high tail it out of the pool.

“Let’s take some steps, okay?” Steve suggested.

“Okay,” Tony mumbled. It was a little hard to get his mouth to work.

Steve started leading him back to the shallow end, slowly, his face calm, but serious. Tony’s legs were shaking a little under him, and he felt kind of nauseous, lightheaded really. He tried to stay calm, focused on putting one foot in front of the other. He tried closing his eyes when his vision started swimming, but that just made him more afraid, so he opened them again, kept his eyes fixed on Steve. Steve was praising him now, in hushed tones, reminding him that it was okay, that everything was fine, and Tony tried to believe it. He thought he was starting to.

Unfortunately, Tony’s foot slipped out from under him then, and he dropped underwater. It took less than four seconds to get his footing again, to shoot up out of the water, but that was long enough to lose his goddamn mind apparently. The hand on Steve’s arm dug in instinctively, trying to pull himself back up, and he was sure he’d left scratches that he’d have to apologize for later on.

Steve had responded immediately, moved his hand from Tony’s shoulder to wrap around his waist, to help him up over the surface of the water. “Tony!” he said as the brunet sputtered, inhaled desperately. “Are you okay?”

Tony had gotten some water up his nose, and it burned, and there was water in his eyes, and the whole thing had sent a massive shock through him, like when he’d been dunked in the pool, like when he was forced in the water trough in the cave, over and over again, and that was really the last straw, and he let out a sob now, overwhelmed. “Fuck, fuck!” he said. “Fucking stupid water!”

His grasp on Steve hadn’t let up, and Steve didn’t let go of him either, too afraid to let Tony go now. He was touching him, in a way he so rarely did, or had the opportunity to, and Tony hadn’t pushed him away yet, so he wasn’t going to pull back first. If Tony decided he needed space in a second, Steve would of course oblige, but part of him hoped for the opposite.

“Hey, you’re okay, it’s okay. We all slip sometimes,” he said. “Just breathe, Tony. You’re gonna be okay.”

“I hate it,” Tony said, his breathing close to hyperventilation now, and the next thing he knew, he was hiding his face against Steve’s chest, his free hand grasping Steve’s shoulder for stability, trying desperately to stop the quaking of his limbs. “I hate it, I hate all of this. I hate _myself_ , I fucking _hate what they did to me!”_

His voice echoed around the pool a little, and the sound, the words, struck Steve square in the chest.

Tony still wasn’t pushing him away.

Steve pulled him closer.

He wrapped his arms around Tony, for the first time _ever_ really. Sure he’d swung an arm around his waist when Tony was injured, or needed help, but he’d never had him in his arms like this, so completely, and despite the situation, it was kind of amazing. Steve held him tight, and Tony, surprisingly, sank into his touch, like he’d forgotten where they were, what they were doing.

“It’s okay,” Steve said, when Tony’s breathing turned short with his sobs.

Tony kept trying to hold them back, but they slipped out anyway, and he held on to Steve tighter. He wanted to be _held_. He wanted that, a lot of the time actually, and rarely got it, or allowed himself to have it, and suddenly it didn’t matter that he was in the water right now. He wanted comfort, and Steve was offering it, and he was going to take it, even if it was just friendly, if Steve was just acting as a teammate, and he didn’t have any feelings for Tony.

“It’s okay, Tony. You’re more than what they did to you. You’re _so much_ more. I know it’s scary, and I know it’s hard, but you can beat this. It just takes time,” Steve said softly.

He fought the urge to press a kiss to Tony’s hair. Being here like this was torture, honestly. They were so close, but there was still a wall between them, still something keeping them apart. He wanted to come out and say it, wanted to admit just how much he loved Tony, how he had for a long time now. He wanted to admit that it was hard to breathe, sometimes, when Tony smiled at him, that it made him feel like he was staring at the sun. He wanted to admit that he thought about him, all the time, and wanted nothing more than to have his love, to belong to him, but it didn’t seem right. Tony didn’t need Steve’s intruding feelings on top of all of this.

“I’m here for you. I’ll _be here_ for you, all of us will,” he said instead, and he meant it.

Tony’s breathing finally eased off. He took a deep breath to settle himself. When he could think properly again, he realized exactly where he was, what he was doing, and mortification creeped up in his veins.

He was in Steve’s arms. He was in _Steve’s arms_. God, that was insane. Steve’s grasp was firm, but not too firm, and he was warm, and he smelled so nice, like the sunscreen he’d rubbed all over his skin, and _goddamn_ Tony always forgot how great it felt to touch him, in any capacity. This was more than just a hand on the shoulder, a quick touch or helping each other out on the battlefield though. This was different. This was _more_ , or at least, it felt like more. Tony wanted to stay suspended in this feeling, wanted to forget the world around him, and to live in this moment forever.

God, what was he doing? Why was it so hard to pull himself away now? He knew he should. He knew that if he stayed like this any longer, he wouldn’t be able to keep his feelings a secret. Steve would know, somehow, would sense it or feel it or something, and then Tony would have to face his rejection, the reality that he wasn’t good enough for Steve, and he really didn’t need that today. He didn’t think he could take it.

It took a lot of effort, but Tony finally pulled back from the circle of Steve’s arms, took a step or two backwards.

The water was only up to his chest now, and he stared down at it to avoid seeing Steve’s expression. Steve probably thought he was dramatic, that he had overreacted. He was probably a little uncomfortable with the way Tony had latched on to him, and was too nice to say anything about it. The idea of that made Tony feel even worse than he already was.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and his arms curled around himself again, like when they’d come out here earlier.

“Don’t apologize,” Steve replied immediately.

“Still. I—I definitely scratched your arm, when I came back up. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay,” Steve said. “Really it is. It’ll take more than a scratch on the arm to put me down for the count.” He smiled a little, hoping it would make Tony feel better.

Tony reluctantly raised his eyes, and Steve’s smile did help a little. Tony got lost in gazing up at him again, like he did so many times over the last few months, as he _allowed_ himself to do more and more, because he couldn’t help it, couldn’t suppress his feelings anymore.

Steve folded a little under the intensity of Tony’s dark eyes, the beauty of them, like he so often did. He had to change the subject, divert Tony’s attention, before his cheeks turned red.

“Hey,” he started. “Look at you.” Steve gestured to their surroundings.

Tony blinked in confusion, but then looked around, and remembered, oh, yeah, he was in a fucking pool, with another person, for the first time in years, and although he still felt uncomfortable, still felt his heart up in his throat, and his limbs shaking, and he was still kind of terrified, he wasn’t _dying_ , and he wasn’t dead. He definitely wanted to get out, sooner rather than later, but on the whole, this experiment had been a success, and Steve thought so too.

“You did it. You got in a pool with another person, even _touched_ another person, and all during your first time. That’s pretty amazing,” Steve praised him.

“Yeah, I…I guess it is,” Tony replied breathlessly, tried to drop his shoulders. They were high and tight with tension again, and he couldn’t help but frown, at his reactions, at his body’s behavior. Wasn’t enough enough? His trauma didn’t think so.

“I think we should stop for today,” Steve said, reading his behavior. He really didn’t want Tony freaking out again, didn’t want him to suffer any more today. “You’ve pushed yourself enough.”

Tony agreed with that entirely.

When he got out of the water, Steve followed, and the two sat on one of the lounge chairs, silently toweling off. The entire experience had been sort of bizarre, and really stressful, but also kind of amazing. It went better than Steve anticipated, honestly, and he was proud of Tony, of how courageous he had been. He offered Tony a wide smile, and thankfully, got a little one in return.

Tony couldn’t help but sit kind of close to Steve now, out of the water, where it was entirely safe. The blond’s hair was wet and he seemed kind of relaxed, looking out across the deck, his towel slung over his shoulders, and he was so damn beautiful it made Tony’s chest ache in a way that had nothing to do with his residual anxiety.

“Thank you,” he said softly after a few moments of sitting there, subtly ogling his teammate.

“Anytime,” Steve replied earnestly, turning to look at him once more. “You think you’ll want to do it again?” Steve prayed he masked the hopefulness in his tone well enough.

Of course he wanted more one on one time with Tony, wanted to help him overcome his fears. He also really, really hoped he could touch him again, already ached to feel his body against him, like he’d wanted it for so long. If this was the only way to do it, the only way to get a taste of what it would be like to be with Tony, to be able to touch him freely, he wanted to take the opportunity as much as possible. He hoped with time he could work up the courage to just admit his feelings. Even if Tony didn’t feel the same way about him, he deserved to know the truth, deserved to know that Steve spent every waking moment thinking about him, wishing they could be more. He deserved to know that Steve would do anything for him, that he would be there for him through thick and thin, and if that’s all Steve ever deserved, it would be enough for him.

He had to do it soon. He had to say something about it all.

…Just not today.

Tony looked at him at the question, and managed a small, but genuine smile. He did want to do it again. He’d survived this time, and knew it would (hopefully) only get easier with practice, and he looked forward to a day where he could _join_ the team in the water, at least for a little while, where he didn’t have to feel like an outsider or a coward because of his fears. He looked forward to getting to that point with Steve, felt blessed that the blond was offering to get him there.

“Yeah,” Tony replied. “Yeah I will.”

Even if he could never be with Steve, could never hope to earn his love, he at least had his friendship, his affection, and that was pretty amazing to begin with. If that was all Tony ever got, he already considered himself lucky. He really hoped though that he could have more, that maybe life would grant this one wish, and let this beautiful, caring man be his. Maybe just one kiss, one true, genuine hug. Tony would be more than satisfied with that. He wanted Steve, in whatever capacity he deserved, and kept praying that with time, Steve could stand the thought of being with him, romantically.

Little did he know, about a week later, he would be.

“Same time tomorrow?” the scientist asked.

“Same time tomorrow,” the soldier agreed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Let me know what you think in the comments!


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